Perhaps, two days of solitude in camp doing duties has given me the quiet and rain to inspire this melancholy which makes for a revisionism of my feelings and thoughts about Evanescence. Or rather, Amy Lee and the band, if you fancy. The continuous listening of their songs once more… Perhaps I need to start from the very beginning. Man, I’m getting philosophical over a band. This is going to be a very, very long personal post chronicling the change of my musical tastes over the past few years.
Well, about 3 years ago, when I got “The Open Door” (TOD) as a gift, honestly, I didn’t exactly like the sound. I hated it to an extent. I’d already have heard “Call Me When You’re Sober” online, and while it sounded decent, it lacked the feel. Running the album for a few replays, I thought that none of the other songs sounded anything like Fallen or Origin. It seemed like Ben Moody’s departure really changed the creative direction of the band. I wasn’t sure that I liked TOD, and I put the album aside very soon to listen to the other bands of the day.
Where was the magic of My Immortal? The moral drama of Torniquet? The escapism of Imaginary? The desperation of Going Under? The twisted seduction of Whisper and Lies? Gone were the guitar riffs and bridges that were more than that expected of typical pop; the youthful idealism and the angsty songbird. Instead, in its place was a dark, personal maturity that I didn’t really get at the point in time. While in retrospect I think that perhaps at that time I should already have had the necessary means to understand some of the themes, I didn’t then. I guess it’s the exhilaration from the initial recovery then, or inexperience with myself. (Or rather to quote Anne Rice, in Marius’s words to Lestat: “So by innocence you mean not an absence of experience, but an absence of illusions.”) I was still a humanist in-principle back then, if you would understand. I wasn’t so dark.
Bear in mind that I hadn’t entered college that time. College was where I deepened my love for thinking in academic pursuits in epistemology and philosophy, and waged a closet rebellion against the education system. Oh well, if you had followed me through from The Abridged Ajani you’d know… But it suffices now to say that I had a shift in philosophical outlook. I gave up my standard humanism. I began to polish up on inconsistencies. I tried to generate an activism out of this lost optimism but none truly captured who I am. I intuited for the meaning of everything once more and I saw the Savage Garden (You need to read Anne Rice if you don’t understand) and the darkness of it all (which was why The Staccato Slur was born).
Now, about here my musical tastes started to move away from the mainstream as well. Like really distance away. Two separate decisions – first, I wanted to find more bands which sounded more like the Evanescence of Fallen. After all, it was music which I’d deeply identified myself with back then in secondary school. Second, the desire to explore the Savage Garden deeper in its gothic roots.
I became exposed to real hardcore goth rock like Bauhaus, Sisters of Mercy and the like. Now, real hardcore goth rock I didn’t really enjoy because it sounded kind of… Old. Sounded like the 80s. But goth rock is dead in the 21st century, in my opinion. Few bands venture into it seriously. If they didn’t need to worry about all the subcultural norms like acceptance, perhaps they would be more original. Unfortunately, most of what I hear is just imitation and remakes. Of course, this is just based upon what I can gather, I never went into a gig before. Yet I was glad when I found out more modern revivals of goth rock which didn’t sound like just trying to imitate the 80s’ once more – like Redemption, but then that’s just one band. Original, yet sounding like the real stuff of the first batcavers – cheeky, punkish, gloomy, introspective.
Oh well, I do like “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” by Bauhaus though, if you wish to know if I was really hardly moved at all by the pioneers of gothdom. It must be a goth anthem. 
And some Depeche Mode (if you consider them as part of the movement back then). I liked the music. It was more than the usual pop, but not too esoteric to enjoy. But that is all. I never claim to be a goth, despite my resonance with some of their key concepts and existentialism, for I enjoy but just a small bit of their music.
A greater part of my musical exploration was spent in the world of metal. Gothic metal, especially. Now, it was then that I discovered the European attitudes to Evanescence. Evanescence is not goth rock to begin with (read last two paragraphs), and is hardly accepted as gothic metal. No, it is a wash-out, a sell-out and a pop-packaged artist. Plus, the elements of gothic metal as the pioneers i.e. Theatre of Tragedy defined weren’t present in Evanescence. But I will need to discuss this later in the text.
For now, understand that I looked to Europe, plunging into the works of Theatre of Tragedy (ToT); Theatres Des Vampires; as well as their lyrically lesser variants, like Lacuna Coil (though they are now just hard rock); Beseech; and Macbeth, just to mention those bands I like. Certainly, one could argue against my classification for some of the bands I’d mentioned. Is X even metal, if gothic metal? “Gothic” metalheads are not metalheads. Real metalheads don’t listen to gothic metal as well. X is a sell-out. Whatever. This is not an exercise in authenticity, in either the gothic and the metal circle (though I found it fun to learn about such stuff), but there is something deeply intellectual and sexy about ToT (when Liv Kristine was still around) and their songs written in the ancestors of modern English. Beauty and the Beast.
Yet metal is a huge genre. I’d have heard a bit of everything – Arch Enemy and In Flames (melodic death metal); Elvenking and Midnattsol (folk); Vader (death metal); Within Temptation and Nightwish (symphonic metal), just to name a few of the sub-genres. I also read deeply and thought about issues in metal (or in fact, subculture music in general) – classification of genres and sub-genres; “selling-out” and authenticity; clothing and lifestyle; goals, outlooks, philosophy etc. I cannot yet conclude, and don’t plan to, my findings in this realm. After all, I am no real member. I speculate, think, guess, poke, confirm and revise.
But truly, the tour in metal (or the debate over whether what I’m listening to is metal) has made me senstitive to a lot of things in music which most do not notice or care about. For one, it is my personal conclusion that metal music is closer to classical compositions structurally than say, your average pop song, strangely, but I cannot really tell you whether X is metal and Y is pop. My informal study is based upon the opinions of those in the scene, those who think they are in the scene, and those who are definitely what they call, poseurs. But ugh, I don’t wish to talk too much about methodology. All these is for my own usage in the end, not for the revolution of a million’s tastes.
Back to Evanescence. While I was having my dances with the personal rise of gothic rock and metal, the latter was subjugated, and the knowledge of Moody’s split and the subsequent departure of all the original members (save Amy) too made me not identify so much with the band. I chuckled at the reference among ex-fans online about the latest happenings with Amy Lee and Her Band. Yet, there still was something definitely with the band.
When I decided (must be because of the rain and solitude ) to re-listen to the band seriously once again over the past days in camp, for the first time in years, TOD sounded like a damned good album suddenly. But shouldn’t I, after my tour in metal, move away from Evanescence in its poseur-ish capacity? Perhaps it was the memory of darker, moodier days now which protects and reminds in retrospect. Yes, I’d have moved away, but I am still the same. (Starts playing Evanescence’s “Lithium”… “I wanna stay in love with my sorrow…” ) I am more comfortable with myself now, more settled, but I still remember. I am an existentialist, but I have a shadow, my slur. Maybe after all there is something alluring about the solo voice who sings alone… The only voice that knows its own personal sorrow that no one else can share in song. More than the interplay of the Beauty and the Beast. It’s made me recall the pre-college days of a more withdrawn, passive existence, instead of the aesthetical-existential aggressiveness I now bear. The band had been critical to me in younger days, in ways I still cannot adequately or convincingly explain. Origin, Fallen and TOD may have differences in structure and theme, but somehow there is this coherent story.
Yet in fact, in my opinion really, I can see some metal influences in TOD… Yes, even in the older songs now I think I hear metal. Is it because of the complexity of the genre or my confusion, ignorance or poseur-ism? What should I call Evanescence? Pop, rock, metal, alternative, classical crossover? I don’t know. Maybe I understand and finally agree with Amy, when she once said that Evanescence cannot be classified into a genre.
Now before I get accused of being infatuated with her again (I’ve been once, ages ago 
), I would like to say that she’s really damned smart to have written Weight Of The World and Snow White Queen. Damned smart.
I’ve been catching up on what I missed out as a born-again fan over the past few years these few days again. Some commenter suggested that Amy nowadays adopted a more operatic singing as contrasted with her pre-TOD days. Now I notice it (notice how she drags her words), and I think so too. Sexy. Damn, I feel like I have two years’ worth of Evanescence to write on… The theatricalism… The concepts… Everything!
Now, there’s something I wish to say about Ben Moody, and the like, to make clear my thoughts about the debate about “Amy Lee and her band”. Ben Moody’s a fantastic writer; this is testified by the earlier works, his guitaring and composition for them pwns. Even though he’d confined the works within a typical pop song verse-chorus-bridge structure, his contribution to the songs made them stand out. His post-Evanescence works are great, too. I remember I enjoyed “Everything Burns” greatly before it took me a while to discover that the male singer on the song was Ben Moody! Why, he had done the writing on it as well! But I cannot imagine him being able to co-write something like The Open Door.
Amy was the one who would wanted to truly make it a work of art, not commercial pop. I don’t know now, now that I have begun to love TOD’s themes and structure (or lack of), but it was very much a 50-50 decision. Either way, they’d have success, I think, just in different fans.
I can understand Moody’s pain as he left Evanescence. F**k! This was their child. His and hers, equally. It was a crazy divorce. Of the tale of the final dream come true, the authentic love story, you know, not just the silly teensy puppy love, gone sour. Now, what was truly the reason behind the departure I do not wish to speculate too much, officially it was cited as “creative differences”. Neither do I wish to know about why all the other original members of Evanescence left as well.
(Amy Lee, from “questions questions everywhere but not a drop to speak“)
Last but not least, I often get asked about band members, the whole “is it a band, is it solo, etc” (understandably! There have been quite a few). Everyone who has ever been a part of Evanescence is a part of its story, a part of its soul. From day 1 it has been a collaborative effort and different people have contributed over the years. But it is more than just people. It’s something that has taken on its own life, it has grown, changed and become more interesting, more soulful, more honest than a perfect image will allow. The passion is what makes it live on, the obsessive focus on straight up, head first, love for the music. That is my band. And against all obstacles I’m sticking to it.
Now, so that’s the end… A chronicle of two, three years of my musical tastes and their evolution… And my feelings for Evanescence. Well, it’s been deeply carthatic writing about it. Why, it’s over 2000 words now! I wonder if anybody understands. This has been a confrontation with my shadow. Ah well, there’s been talk of a new album coming out next year. I will definitely buy it, though it might just be like TOD, I might not appreciate it immediately. After all, Amy wrote that “Its definitely not happy married music, but its not like I’m dying the whole time either.”
For those who do not know what I am talking about, Amy Lee has been Amy Hartzler for a while now. She’s married her therapist! Heh. Reminds me of that funny Irvin Yalom novel “Lying on the Couch” I read recently. I think there is some ethical concern there about Amy marrying her shrink… Has the APA done an investigation? Haha. Must be the memory of the book and my imaginative jealousy. Come and think about it, that was a decent book.
By the way, “Good Enough” is a damned good song. Unfortunately, it’s a mindf**k. I have stopped thinking about dark stuff for days now after watching the music video. In fact, I am too distracted by it to read my Tale of the Body Thief (Anne Rice) properly now.
Oh, well. EVANESCENCE ROCKS!!!
Tags: amy lee, anne rice, bear in mind, creative direction, escapism, exhilaration, guitar riffs, humanist, inexperience, initial recovery, marius, musical tastes, necessary means, personal maturity, personal post, replays, revisionism, songbird, time college, youthful idealism
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