Sorry INTJ, but I could be an INFP actually.

Gasp.

Anyway, positions open for a mathematician’s services. Tentatively unpaid and unrecognized. Applications start now. Shortlist and final acceptance will be done, if and when I ever become an academic. I could flunk out first, or decide to express my idealism in other ways.

If you are a genius, and are given attention as such, who could hurt you? Who would not offer you love? What happened to you at a age when other “normal” people were trying to “fit in”, make sense of it all? Have you ever had to struggle against anyone, anything?

Interestingly, this is like thinking, where do monks, especially those raised from young in monasteries, get their insights from? Enter the Dalai Lama.

How does one comprehend the nature of suffering (dukkha) when one has not been exposed to it properly? When one has no cause to harness for disappointment, joy, anger, frustration? When one lives stoic, yes, since young, in accordance to Buddhist teachings, not caring, detached, not in the thick of it. The stoicism might bring a genuine sense of happiness in peace, but is it a peace that is necessarily “life-like”? The King who stays in the palace while his soldiers fight his wars experiences no suffering and anguish and horror of war and death, but has he conquered those emotions hence?

I think in this example the 14th Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso at least must have been in a way concerning himself with worldly affairs and braving the web of samsara and life since his birth. The issues of Tibet must have forced him, at an early age, to consider the realities of the modern world and of his people. Consequently, this involvement would have led to the Compassionate one to further seek answers and venture deeper into the battlefields of life, just as any other layperson – to experience the emotions, to feel injustice and suffering, to see pain and absurdity. This is the reason why he commands such respect in the world currently, and commits himself to working with others, men of science, men of faith, in cultivating and developing the art of happiness, because he must know, he is no ivory tower monk. Make no mistake, this man inspires me. He’s with me in the war against human ignorance and suffering, the intricate web of human existence.. He’s here with me in the trenches, not far away in a command post.

This, strangely, does lend itself to the validity of the thought of the one who seeks nothing, lives in innocence, distances himself from the world, and doesn’t care. The lack of authenticity and inauthencity as a result of the entire lack of delusions and ignorance, that only comes if one entangles himself with the web of the world and of human life, does not exist for him, or herself for that matter. The child monk who simply does not engage throughout his life in the challenges of human existence, but voyeurs and observes merely, from the laypeople who bring him news and seeks him for guidance, from the Scriptures and Sutras that describe human anguish. Satisfied with just a superficial understanding of it, which is not necessarily wrong or weak in this current perspective I argue, the monk is… At peace.

Just like some lay people who choose the same way, perhaps.

Will this end justify the lack of the mean? Is the mean really necessary? Is it really necessary to go through with a human, normal life, if it may not lead to the end? If it does, does it necessary mean that it is greater, nobler?

(Second theme.)

What counts as manipulation? What counts as being taken advantage of? What counts as being used? What counts as scheming, deceiving, cunning? What counts as foresight? What counts as falseness? What counts as inauthenticity?

The monk who sees, he meditates into wisdom or gives advice. The artist who experiences, he later channels into music. The one who thinks, who walks the path, he either detaches, or tries to speak. To what degree is influence manipulation? To what extent is companionship the loss of self-determination? To which feelings do words speak?

Words are cold. Words are logic. Words are limited. Words hurt.

All humans have limbic systems. All humans must have feelings. No reason without emotion. Words are not good enough.

(Cue Bach Cello Suite One – Prelude.)

Don’t just look at the words I use. See me as I am. I don’t bite.

(Cadenza!)

How? Memento gave a rather interesting solution. In it Leonard Shelby is attacked by drugged-high burglars one night – they supposedly raped and killed his wife, and their assault on him caused Leonard to get anterograde amnesia, that is the inability to form new memories. His last working memory of his life would be the night of his wife’s death, and everything that ever happened before the assault, for anything new he experiences, he only retains a short-term impression of things – after a few minutes, his mind would blank out and forget everything that happened to him from those few minutes. Kinda like what we mock goldfish for (apparently inaccurately, I was taught by QI), save that this guy remembers slightly longer before he forgets.

Leonard seeks out revenge, looking for those who killed his wife and fucked up his brain. He reckons there was a pair of the burglars and that he killed one that night before he lost his memory. However there was another he missed and it was him who knocked him out and caused his amnesia. Not being able to formulate new memories and hence work with remembered data, he comes up with a system of encoding information and clues about the identity and whereabouts of the still-missing assailant. He tattoos important facts about the one he seeks (e.g. “John G. Raped and Murdered My Wife.”) and mundane reminders (e.g. “EAT”), and carries around with him a polaroid camera which he uses to take pictures of people he meets and places he visits. Then, he writes on them to tell him whoever/whatever they are. (e.g. on a picture of “Natalie”, “She will help you out of pity.”)

For our purposes though, instead of going the hard way to piece together your life again and tattoo/photograph clues, we have the benefit of pre-knowledge – we know that the next moment we will lose all memories of reality; assuming that you are going to have enough time to start tattooing and photographing and writing on your polaroid photos, that you are not going to have permanent anterograde amnesia; any memories you form after the memory loss is yours to keep and won’t be blanked out.

What would you remember?

I’d start tattooing the names of all the potentially scarily manipulative people around (can’t think of any I’ve allowed near though); and also those who must remain stoic porcupines with, just in case. “Beware Schopenhauer’s porcupines. Be stoic.” – probably will make it shorter though, tattooing hurts doesn’t it?

But here’s a thought – if everyone else too lost their memories together and became tabula rasa, with only their tattoos and photographs that they kept… It might become Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, wouldn’t it?

Maybe that’s one more reason why we surround ourselves with pictures of families, friends and what not. Just in case for that day, and we don’t shock ourselves wondering why is there a stranger in our house. That’s also what makes “recovering memories” easier I suppose, even in this real world without all the hypothetical imagining I just had, for the unfortunate who had to lose their memories. Even with the most functional of memories people still tattoo things on themselves as reminders for our forgetful and quick minds. I saw a “This too shall pass” before though on a lady’s back and I was greatly inspired. Oh well, only thing is that it’s on the freaking back, how do you try and see it yourself usually? :S But I can’t think of any other place to put a few-worded legible tattoo that you don’t need to peer closely to read, and have it look nice on your body still. Or maybe she put it on her back for others, like me, to see – how nice.

Ah, sorry for the post thumbnail anyway, if you thought it obscene. Heh, for those who didn’t notice, that’s a screen-cut from Memento of Guy Pearce’s chest, the guy who plays Leonard Shelby, with part of a tattoo and his nipple there. In case you thought nipples were obscene. In case you noticed it. In case… Ugh, never mind.

We do absurd; silly; ridiculous; rational; authentic; true; absurd; absurd; absurd.

From the outside we do poker.

Come inside. Feel what we feel. See what we see.

Absurdity and darkness.

“And Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all.”

But I am alive. I am human. Too. My heart beats. Absolute emotion and absolute reason – how else, if not?

Love.

Bittersweet symphonies.

Love.

Compassion.

Understanding.

Shelter.

Love.

Do you know when Nietzsche wept?

I have only known him for like half an hour now, but I wonder why is it that I have never heard of him before. This chap sounds like he has the frankness of Berlusconi, but with a more tactical sense of humour; the will of Gandhi, and somewhat the idealism of the Dalai Lama?

This man was the brain of a junta which overthrew the dictatorial rule in his country, and actually really deliver, when he said that he was going to make his homeland a democracy. He even actually demilitarized Costa Rica to the effect… Now, that is WOW.

I have read that Costa Rica was later attacked in some manner militarily by Nicaragua, and this is what is going to be fascinating for me to study – how his non-militarism works, even under conflict. His pride of Costa Rica being like the jewel of Latin America, along with many other episodes he seems to be remembered for on Wikipedia and other news outlets, bolster his reputation as a kind of maverick in international relations, except that strangely, he’s dead for 20 years now and his presidencies were a relatively long time ago, and you would think he would either be taught to me in textbooks and journals, or introduced to me in some history lesson or documentary before, but this is really the first time I heard of him, on a “Wikipedia derivé” – from “Mayan calendar” to “World War III” to can’t remember what… to “Neutrality (international relations)” to “Costa Rica” and finally to his Wikipedia page.

People, I present to you, hopefully not superficially, my new hero of democracy. I must say, my faith in democracy is slowly improving somehow as time goes by. No comment for now on Cablegate.

On a side note, chaps, please donate to Wikipedia if you can, are earning some money, and enjoy its service to Mankind/you throughout the years. Gusto.

A few projects/tasks for the months after the end of my military service! To while away this idle time and prepare for this exciting prime of life as mentioned above.

1) Get employed

I say, that work is not the meaning of life, but rather passion and meaning in itself. However, as I have always looked forth to university as a place where my passion for knowledge would be requited, I would be very much upset if I, owing to a lack of financial health, be denied of the opportunity to finish my education of four years proper. Hence, when I have always concluded that money is not all that matters in the world, money will be the medium, at least, for four years of pleasure in my prime of life. And it is not a lot I ask for, just enough for tuition, lodging and living. (Oh, and the occasional splurge ) The direction, thus, to the medium is therefore to get employed, and work.

2) Build a pencil case

One of my long outstanding creative projects, a pencil case or rather, a nice, personalized stationery box would be a really practical DIY thing I could use, and show off. A really cool design to make, in my opinion, would be that of a small, mini full six-sided black coffin. It would be technically, nothing different from a jewelery box; a snuff case or any decorative box, actually, without all the jewels and decoration – something plain. Why a “coffin”? Honestly, I wouldn’t exactly make it for the “coffin” term, but for the “coffin” shape. Well, it is the easiest-to-make shape next to a fully fledged intricate, curvy woovy carving of sorts, and it looks a tad more aesthetically exciting than a rectangular box. Functionally, the extra space afforded by the construction of the elegantly tapered ends would allow the placement of a few more items than a simple clumsy oblong box. And as mentioned, it doesn’t look like just another fancy box.

But coming to the actual DIY, I am still in the midst of deciding the materials to make this with. Certain requirements must be met – the pencil case must be resistant to a certain amount of compression and weight; and ideally resist stains, inks and dirt enough so to still look black after perhaps a year of usage. Not so much a problem, you might say, the modern world has technology enough to render these problems obsolete, but for my little DIY budget and capabilities, I really have a very limited palette to choose from.

Paper is easy to cut and form. However, to withstand the everyday pressure of books and files pressing down upon its form as it is kept away in a bag, a pencil case made of paper would quickly deform and tear away from the stress. Stronger papers in the form of paperboards and stock look more durable, but it would seem to me that they would still lose their shape when challenged with a sturdy weighty hardback.

No, wood seems to be the better option, it should meet the build quality of your average pencil case out there, and there are totally new ways to look at it from a creative perspective e.g. you can’t lacquer paper to give it that glossy finish unlike for wood. Unfortunately I have limited experience and tools to work with wood. It wouldn’t be too economical in the short run if I had to buy a whole workshed’s worth of equipment before I could embark on this project.

Nevertheless, I should find myself quite committed to doing this project of mine. It would be a very interesting experience, I guess. A visit to Art Friend to source for materials and get inspired should be mandatory before I start drawing up plans for the actual creation of this handiwork.

3) Buy a set of fine stationery

Suppose you created a damned nice case for your stationery, but you didn’t have any damned nice stationery for your case.

Ah, but what a upper-class twat. Yet make no mistake, certain products do enjoy a good price-quality ratio still when you are prepared to pay a limited quantum more, but not too much. Certain products, like pens, when manufactured for a higher cost, result in a world’s difference in enjoyment for their beholder. Compare, say, the glide of a Parker pen, with its Quink ink ballpoints, over a piece of regular paper, versus an ordinary pen you get in bookshops in a set of ten. You almost feel like you are conducting a symphony where your words are the music.

Okay, too much romanticism there. But really, a Parker, speaking from experience, gives you consistency. It doesn’t just die or skip. It flows, smoothly, according to the ebb and flow of your thoughts, and varies with your speed and intensity of your pensmanship. The ultimate fear is when you hit a gold mine in your head, and you suddenly explode with thought. You are struggling to write as fast as, in cadence with the speed of your thoughts, and abruptly your pen skips or dies. And that’s it. Your moment of brilliance is over and there is no complete witness of that in the physical world.

A Parker never does that. (Note: I am not paid by Parker to advertise their products, but I would advocate them as a consumer myself)

And, this time round, I think I would like to start on purchasing a fountain pen. Okay, I would admit that it’s more of an elegance thing than any practical benefits I am trying to achieve out of one, but hey, what kind of wannabe aesthete doesn’t own a fountain pen? I have my eyes on a Parker Sonnet, but because of my inexperience with fountain pens, I am willing to be open to other models and brands, too. I think it’d be pretty too to write with a fountain pen; at least, I would be able to write in nice cursive, in speed, too. And the romanticism associated with one, about the stories of the fountain pen nibs adapting to its owner’s individual pressure and style. Oh…

I have found, also, that when you own a Parker, a ballpoint at least, people are alot more reluctant to pinch your pen for a quick borrow or forget to return them. It isn’t that I’m selfish or anything, but that has to be good, isn’t it? Hopefully, I will get one and have enough time to be acquainted with my fountain pen before I start school once more.

Anyway, in case you are curious about what I used before I used Parker, I highly recommend the uni Laknock II. It is the smoothest and fatigue-free, budget/student ballpoint I have used throughout my life. But it doesn’t still give you the Parker kick.

4) Consider doing some work on The Staccato Slur

Well, The Staccato Slur has been suffering from considerable neglect for some time. Or if there is activity, it is bound to be followed by neglect soon enough. For quite some time now, TSS has been less of a chronicle of my thoughts than just my web presence.

I shan’t pretend that this is a blog of sorts, but as a physical manifestation of my ideas, it certainly deserves its share of attention from me to work on. But honestly, I’m just putting this here as a vague reminder to self. If I will, then I will do something on here. Maybe an update on the branding? Maybe a more frequent chronicling of my mental deliberations? Maybe a radical, complete redesign once again? I will remind myself to give it some thought.

5) My writing dreams

Ah, I’ve actually a fair list of ideas I have long sketched into skeletal premises for some serious writing. By that, I mean, not essays, but novellas and novels. First up, “Anthology of the Shepherd” is something I have wanted to write since 2005/2006? I have started to give it some more attention, though I am regularly distracted by my long collection of British comedies to watch, and I think it should be best developed as a sort of a poem collection, in the style of my usual blasphemy of non-rhyming lines. Realistically, it won’t be a saga, but quite short. I would be greatly surprised if I could make twenty pages of it. Ah, but it is still something, something I had long since wanted to do, to get it out of my system properly.

(Insert punchline/conclusion here. )

Pardon the many technical terms for my less technically inclined readers, but really, you should take a Linux for a spin, too,  and learn a little more about it.  It’s one of the greatest inventions of the late 20th century that will reduce your fear and apprehension to computers which Windows probably created in you since young.

I guess I got convinced by the arguments for the superiority for a source-compiled system, where everything can be customized and tweaked to run with your processor, your choices. My GCC’s MARCH flag set to -native with a few other “safe” flags and I kind of like to tinker around with the useflags before I go around emerging the software. Well, I wasn’t bold enough to jump from Mandriva to Gentoo, or confident enough to set up my system (wireless; desktop; everything) from scratch, so I landed upon Sabayon, which in earlier years seemed like a specialized gaming distro, but in recent times has seemed to lean towards creating a general desktop distro for all.  The Sabayon LiveCD came with a graphical installer, something people like me can use to build a system with a complete out-of-the-box “everything works” experience with my favourite KDE desktop manager; wireless connection (something most other distros usually disappoint me in) and few essential programs e.g. Firefox ready for use right away. Sure, it was something like cheating, since it would be a binary installation rather than a source installation, but hey, I had to start somewhere right. More to this later.

As I was saying earlier, Sabayon’s key difference from Gentoo, other than installing a binary-based system on the initial install, is the introduction of Equo, which is supposed to be the default package manager for the former. It offers pre-built binaries, though, so customizing it for your system to your taste is not possible with Equo. But actually from the start, I only wanted Sabayon for the easier fresh install, so I wasn’t particularly impressed with Equo. Well, I guess there is actually some disagreement over what needs to be done in my case and how, but I did an “emerge -C sys-apps/entropy app-admin/equo app-admin/sulfur sys-apps/entropy-client-services app-misc/magneto-loader kde-misc/magneto-kde sys-apps/magneto-core" and a few other commands (as inspired from this forum thread) to purge my system of all Equo remains (or I hope I did) and I wrote all the necessary Portage make.conf things in /etc/make.conf, something I think you do in Gentoo but not Sabayon, as the latter must preserve compatibility between its source-based Portage and binary-based Equo, making some Gentoo-inspired Portage manoveurs very risky. But heck it, I’m on my way to trying it out. Now at least my system is not distracted with the binary package manager. Instead, I can focus on using Portage only to build my intended source-optimized system.

Well, first thing I did was to do an “emerge -uDav –newuse world”. Now, I know this exactly isn’t recommended… But I’d supposed that I try just to see how things go… It’s still a fresh system, in any case. If need be, I could wipe the whole thing out and try a different way of doing things. I will see how it goes from here. As I type this post, the world is being emerged afresh… I hold the hands of others in Ubuntu fashion as I pray it all goes well…

Now, back to the accusation of cheating. If all goes well, I’m planning to do some kind of “emerge sabayon-sources“; “localmodconfig” and “genkernel --kernel-config=/usr/src/config --menuconfig --bootloader=grub --splash=sabayon --disklabel --luks all” combo. This, with a a bit more work, should compile for myself a lean, Intel Pentium Processor T2080, hardware-optimized Linux kernel that still gives a perfect out-of-the-box experience, but marginally faster and better. Oh, and source-compiled so I kinda don’t cheat. Building the kernel out of the existing Sabayon base should ensure compatibility and stability, and good for first-timers like me to ensure that I don’t break anything unecessarily.

I had a few preliminary trials with using emerged Firefox versus equo-ed Firefox. Unscientific benchmarks-absent user testing determines that the compiled Firefox outshines the binary with blazingly fast startup speeds and a sort of “snappy feel” to things. Or it could always be placebo.

But in overall, so far, I have been quite satisfied with my Sabayon so far. I haven’t, at least, found any strong reason to go back to binary-based Mandriva. But I’d still recommend Mandriva to newcomers to the Linux world. It is still more user-friendly and although you lose the satisfaction of source-based distros, if I was a newcomer I’d be turned off by the latter. Mandriva’s still more… Graphical? There are some things you cannot do as well on source-based distros if you don’t look at the shell. Portato helps, but only to a certain extent.

My only gripe thus far is that the current Sabayon Linux logo (as seen in the post thumbnail), looks too much like some Adidas logo. I much preferred the older, meanie-looking chicken feet logo. It reeks of aggressive power reminding people of some fighting cock, kinda like what a source-based distro would give.